April 2006, Nigeria: A Moment of Clarity

i’m guessing this is the next day after the party (i didn’t date anything):

“it takes a large degree of humility to be here. i thought it was going to be all sunshine and rainbows, but it’s turning out to be one of the hardest things i’ve ever had to do. and i’m learning a lot of things about myself. i’m a know-it-all. i assume i’m always right. people can’t understand me. i rely only on myself, but i am not right/reality based/stable. i have an inner lack of confidence. when challenged, i fight and i get super defensive, yet weepy and self depricating. theres a huge fear of vulnerability, but once i get past it, it’s not painful, it’s just real. it just is. i just am. i’m incredibly defensive. i’m incredibly selfish. my tendency is to run away home if i don’t like something. if i don’t like it, i’m not dealing with it. i’m not. but there’s nowhere to run to here. and everything within me wants to run away home and is counting the days and hours and minutes til i can go home. but i have to stay here and grow and be uncomfortable. and i don’t want to leave my dad. i didn’t expect anything, but he’s more than everything i would have asked for. and i know where i got my temperament and my eyes and my forehead. it’s really strange and trippy to look up and there he is, moving around, looking at me, talking, being mellow.”

my stepmom approached me in what i perceived as an aggressive way to ask me about school. i felt like she totally simplified my situation and used a bunch of religious and cultural rhetoric to defend the fact that she should be the one to advise me about my situation. and she had no concept of the type of depression that keeps you from doing the things you want to do. i got really defensive and aggrivated and left the room. it was my one stolen opportunity to utilize “i gotta GO”. not a good idea.

“it’s very hard for me to relate to mommy. she is very abrasive for me. and i am conscious of the idea that the people that bother you the most often have the most to teach you. i see it a little bit, but i’m having a hard time feeling it. and the fact that i have to show respect when i don’t feel it all just eats me up. self righteous. ordained by God. these things put me off so much but i do have to find a way to just face them with less defensiveness. i shut down so fast to so many triggers. i don’t respect that about myself. i’ve definitely got my own serious self righteousness. and that does have a lot to do with my bad behavior back home – especially with certain coworkers and people i don’t like. and i just have not checked myself, and no one else has checked me in a long time. i would say i have support and that i’m an open person. but it’s all on my terms. i don’t allow for certain kinds of support. and i don’t allow certain people to support me.”

for the record, i did learn to love mommy. i had to get over a lot and stop looking at her like that.

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